Today was so scary.
I went to my Dr. appointment as usual and was not expecting anything too exciting. Since I am 31 weeks now, I have appointments every two weeks instead of every four. The nurse came in, took my blood pressure, which was normal, and asked me the routine questions. She said my weight gain was good and did not see any swelling and I was excited that everything was normal still.
Then, she had me lay on my back so that we could listen for the baby's heartbeat. I always love this part of the appointment, I love getting to hear my little guy's beating heart. It was taking her longer than normal and she had such a weird look on her face. She then began pressing her hand firmly on my belly to get him to move. The next words that came out of her mouth were "I can hear the umbilical chord, but I can't hear the baby's heartbeat." My heart started to race and tears started to well up in my eyes. All I could to was pray to God that it was a mistake and that she would be able to find it.
And she did. Then she apologized for scaring the crap out of me. I must have looked so worried. She said that his back was turned to her and it was more difficult to hear it. Still, I was so shaken up. Even after the appointment I had this terrible anxiety that something was wrong, and if it was not wrong yet, that it would go wrong in the future. I am not kidding you when I say that I worried all day long. I kept praying and praying that God would take the fear from me and that I would trust him. It was so hard though. My mind kept wandering to the "what-ifs." I tend to worry anyway, but besides the normal worry I feel we do not have medical insurance to top it all off. We applied for Medicade, but will most likely be turned down because Michael and I have too high of income (which I might add is not all that significant).
Even after praying, my heart still felt troubled. Michael came home for lunch and I could feel my self being harsh with him when he told me not to worry. He tenderly asked what was wrong and I cried like a baby. I told him how worried I was about our son today when they could not find his heartbeat, and that I would just die if something happened to him. He hugged me and told me to trust the Lord and reassured me that he was in full control. I believe him, because I know my God. I know that no matter what happens to this little boy, God is in control. That even if something terrible happens God is still good and he will work out whatever it is for his glory. I just need to trust that.
I won't lie, the heaviness is still not totally gone, but I have peace in knowing that God is in control and that he loves me and he loves this little baby that is growing inside me. My prayer is that I will be at peace with whatever God chooses to do in the rest of my pregnancy and for his birth. It is so comforting to know that he is in control and not me. I would have it all screwed up by now. Of course I hope that the rest of my pregnancy is "normal" and that I have a wonderful birthing experience (as wonderful as it can be), but if it is not, then I pray I will have the strength to face what God has for Michael, baby and me.
