mumbo jumbo

Lately, I feel so out of sorts.  This has been a whirlwind of a year.  Valentine's Day marks the day that Michael and I got engaged.  Since then, we got married and found out we were pregnant.  There has been so much change in such a short amount of time.  Not to mention how incredibly selfish a few certain "friends" have been during this process.  Needless to say they are no longer friends.  What is ironic about that is that it was their choice and not my own.  Go figure.

Michael has been so supportive, but he can't possibly know what it is like to go through all of these changes alone.  Especially the pregnancy part.  It is both terrifying and thrilling at the same time.  For as long as I can remember I've longed to be a wife and a mother.  Now that it is happened I feel strange.  I am over joyed to have this incredible opportunity, yet sad to see the remnants of my old life fading away.  It has been a bitter-sweet process.

During this time I find myself drawing more near to the Lord.  Asking for his comfort and peace.  Asking for more of his love and understanding.  I know that his ways are not my ways.  Sometimes it just all does not make sense and I desperately wish it would.  I wish I knew why.

Not only are these things so overwhelming, but leaving Club Christ is going to be so hard for me.  I have earned the trust of these kids.  They not only trust, but love me.  God has used me in such a huge way in their lives and it is difficult to leave after everything I shared with them about life, and love, and not giving up when things get hard. How can I leave them?  Because that's how they feel.  That I too, am leaving.  Giving up.  Moving on to "better things."  I pray daily that I can convey to them God's new calling on my life.  That I am not gone for good, just gone for now.  That we are still family, that I love them and that and it will never change.

I must admit.
I feel much better getting all of this out.